With Newsweek Magazine (NM)
NM: Thank you Congressman Ryan for talking with us today.
PR: (face in a Newsweek Magazine – suddenly looks up) Oh yes, my
pleasure. You know I just love this
magazine. Aside from its
radical-Socialist, centralized big government, organized labor leaning,
anti-individual, groveling American, business busting rhetoric…it really is
informative…and pithy!!
NW: No, but thank you Congressman, we appreciate your views. So now that you’re the Vice-Presidential
nominee, and perhaps next January only a heartbeat away from the Presidency,
how do you view this potentially awesome responsibility?
PR: I owe it all to my mom…well, my mom and my beautiful,
inspirational wife. Actually, my mom and
my wife and my great kids, who remind me every day that being a dad is what’s
really important. In fact, it’s the most
important job you can have…unless, of course, you’re a mom…which is even more
important because…well, you’re a woman, and being a woman is what it’s all about.
Right? I LOVE YOU WOMEN…I mean,
Republicans love you women…
NW: Regarding Medicare, you and Governor Romney have advocated a voucher system which you believe would solve the potential crisis that may occur with Medicare sometime over the next 20 years; however you have exempted people who are 55 and older, allowing them to remain with the current system. If your voucher idea is such a good one, why do you suggest waiting ten years to implement it?
PR: GOOD GRAVY, do you think we could get any of those old people
to vote for us if we said we were going to be messing around with their
precious Medicare next year? A good
venture Capitalist like the Mittster will tell you, ya gotta sell the idea
first, take control, then go in to
slash and burn. But please, don’t
misconstrue what I’m saying: we LOVE OLD WOMEN…especially the moms.
NW: Congressman, some questions have risen regarding your
qualifications, that you have virtually no foreign policy experience. It has also been said that you are hardly
known even in your home state of Wisconsin.
How do you respond to these critics?
PR: (now with a cheese wedge hat on) No one can deny that I have
been a significant presence in Wisconsin, have you asked my mom? Hell, I managed to weasel them a ton of that
TARP money…what do they want? As far as
foreign affairs…well, let me tell you this: from where I have stood in Northern
Wisconsin you can see…Canada.
NW: Now about the serious issue raised by your friend and colleague
Congressman Akin; you had sponsored a bill with Congressman Akin which sought
to deny public funding of all abortions with an exception of, quote, forcible rape. Why did you use the term
“forcible”, doesn’t the use of such an adjective imply there are other types of
rapes that wouldn’t be exempt?
PR: (cheese hat gone) Now let’s get this straight; a rape is a rape
is a rape…end of story. Although…that
would be three rapes wouldn’t it? That’s
pretty darn forceful even without the adjective. Anything less and I’d been inclined to call a...ahh…a
“rip”, the progeny from which should
be fully inclusive of rights under a rule of law from the moment of conception. I’m proud of my record on this…and so’s my
mom. My mom loves women. Did I mention that? By the way…every picture you see of me
standing arm and arm with Todd Aiken was photoshopped by radical Socialist Liberals.
I don’t believe I’ve ever met the man.
NW: You take a great deal of pride in your physical fitness program
and have suggested that fitness makes you uniquely qualified to represent a new
generation of young Americans. Is that
correct?
PR: (now with shirt off – on his chest are the words I BUILT THIS) It is
incomprehensible to me that Joe Biden can give interview after interview with
the mainstream liberal media and never
once has to mention anything about his fading hair transplants. This (beats his chest) is real, and as rock
solid as Mitt’s doo. I think this
(pointing at his body) is something the youth of America can follow. Sure, Obama can play a little B-ball, but
really…some people (leans in softly) are just born that way - you know what I mean. Anyway, I think this is what America is looking for,
but don’t get me wrong…sure P90X rocks, but…I LOVE YOU FAT WOMEN!!
NW: Very…ahh…nice Congressman.
Like Mitt Romney you have criticized the President for the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act and
the GM/Chrysler bailout, yet you voted for both those bills. How do you reconcile that with Mr. Romney who
feels neither should have been passed?
PR: (back to white shirt, no tie and oversized suit jacket) That’s
simple; the Democratically controlled House and Senate originally submitted
these bills written entirely in Ebonics.
By the time I and my other Republican colleagues realized that phrases
such as: Got me a supakool layin' in da
free-idge didn’t have to do border security it was…well, too late. The Mitt got it right, of course. I believe
he is fluent in both French and
Ebonics. Did I mention that Mitt LOVES
ethnic women?
NW: Actually no…I’m not even sure what that means? Now a final question Congressman Ryan. Governor Romney is a Mormon. Do you see this as a potential problem with
yours and his bid for what has always been a secular political office?
PR: Not at all. You may not
be aware that when a baptized Mormon dies only they get to ascend to the highest
level of heaven where each Mormon gets to have their own planet. I can assure you that Mitt is not the least
bit interested in this one and is perfectly willing to wait. Let’s face it, Mormons love women, and Mitt
Romney is no exception…even if he only has one.
NW: Well thank you Congressman Ryan.
PR: Thank you.
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