If I Were King - Proclamation I

Preamble

There are two things that are initially repelling to most who would read the title If I Were King. First is the egotistic nature of the statement. Well…this is a blog, and any expression; spoken, written, drawn, sculpted, spray painted on cinderblock, tattooed over pectoral muscles, or whatever inextricably includes the ego - can’t help that.

The second disturbing aspect is the King thing. In our national desire to raise the concept of Democracy to that of a theology we have come to look suspiciously at other means of social order as heretical, which is a little odd considering the comedy our representative Democracy stages for us almost daily. The fact is, a generationally determined Monarchy is potentially a better, more efficient, more responsive form of government, and less blind to inequities. It just has that one pesky problem of getting really bad monarchs, which may happen more often than not. There’s not much to be done about a squirrely succession.

So, would I make a good king? No, I’d probably make a lousy king. But occasionally I believe I have a good or fun idea, and how I wish I could make it happen by proclamation instead of the perhaps greater fantasy of it coming to pass within the context of a society that believes it can be run by consensus.

Therefore, as your Sovereign, I hereby proclaim that:

I - All prescription drug advertisements shall be banned from television and radio. Doesn’t that sound good? We don’t need the information, the doctors do. All it does is raise drug costs and a bunch of other nasty stuff (see www.CAPDA.blogspot.com ).

II - All new cars sold in this country will not have analogue speedometers reading above 100mph. Speedometer inflation is both absurd and insulting - and probably promotes speeding. My little 4 cylinder Elantra’s speedometer reads up to 140mph! It couldn’t go that fast if I drove it off a cliff. Do they really believe I feel more powerful with a number like that?

III – That every male in the country upon reaching the age of 18 be required to do 2 years of “service”. Although you’ve heard that before, this service would only necessitate that they live for those two years in the house of a family who has just sent their own 18 year old son off. However, that family would have to be of an ethnic origin (European American, African American, Latin American, or Native American) different than their own. During those two years they would either work and/or attend a community college. Women could participate on a voluntary basis, because when it comes to social acceptance, quite frankly, today’s young women have their shit together and men don’t.

IV – There will, once again, be a national speed limit of 55mph. Jimmy Carter was right. 55 because no one is willing to drive the speed limit and cars hit their maximum aerodynamic efficiency somewhere between 60 and 65mph. The savings in national fuel consumption would be astronomical. The loss of 67 minutes on a drive between Richmond and New York can easily be made up by the elimination of one mindless reality program and/or the healthy consumption of Metamucil. The decline in highway fatalities would be just a bonus.

V - Social Security will simply become taxable income (instead of partially, as it is now). Furthermore, at gross incomes exceeding $80,000 Social Security will be taxed at a progressively higher rate than other income, so when a person’s total income reaches $140,000 Social Security will be taxed at 100%, i.e., those individuals will receive no Social Security. It is beyond reason that our current form of social welfare for the elderly and disabled is routinely paid out to wealthy individuals. The illusion that this is some kind of paid-in annuity strikes at the heart of why we are the largest debtor nation in the history of mankind.

VI - All push lawn mowers with grass catchers shall be banned. Only mulching mowers will be sold. This decree is intended to give psychological help to those unfortunates who believe that the few minutes of momentary bliss they receive from a spotless lawn is worth the weighted down mower, the endless stopping and dumping of the bags, the pilings of grass clippings in the backyard (or worse - plastic bags), the green fingernails, and the higher original cost.

VII – All television stations and networks shall not sell more than 20 minutes of commercial airtime advertising one political candidate over that sold to another (in any given market). It wouldn’t matter who buys the ad, but the candidates campaign would have right of first refusal. A candidate would be defined as one who is currently projected to receive at least 25% of the popular vote. Further, all commercial airtime purchased by political candidates must be a minimum of 2 minutes in duration for Presidential and Senatorial candidates and 1 minute for all others. The net result would be that there would be equal exposure or a popular minority candidate could stop the use of television commercials – a medium where 15 second political sound bites appeal to that part of the brain which handles such activities as nose picking and making imitation fart sounds. Maybe we would actually learn something from what was broadcast or find better means of learning about all the candidates. Hell, in Britain they don’t allow political TV ads at all, which errs on the side of common sense.

VIII – That 5% of all gross television ad revenues be paid over to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. Call it a tax if you’d like, but for a society not to fund a media source, especially news, which is free from a corporate profit interest, is like a theft of understanding. Further, having funding within a government budget can allow politicians the same kind of leverage. Upper management and the board of the CPB would be replaced if average viewer/listenership fell below a pre-determined level for 3 successive quarters – letting the people vote on the content with their TV remotes.

IX – There will be a Value Added Tax on oil to gasoline intended to bring the price up to at least $4 per gallon. This would both reduce debt and find a strike price which will curb consumption and stimulate innovation. If consumption does not flatten or decline, the rate of tax will increase. There would be no VAT on diesel fuel, which would reduce the impact on the trucking business. One half of revenues would be applied to transportation infrastructure (roads, bridges etc), which would be mostly transferred to the States. There will be an annual windfall profits tax on energy companies. All new roads and fuel efficient cars will be named after me.

X – That all cable, satellite, and fiber optic television companies shall provide a new Sarah Palin Channel. This channel will broadcast nothing but Sarah Palin interviews and speeches in an endless loop. I hope by doing such, devoted fans will actually begin to see what this woman is saying. Every two hours there will be 10 minutes of an old 1950s Howdy-Doody broadcast inserted. The channel shall remain in effect until it is determined that polled Republican viewers can finally no longer tell the difference between Palin and Buffalo Bob.