Marriage on Four Legs

One of my favorite movies is the film Spanglish. It has always befuddled me why it was received lukewarm by the critics and bombed at the box office. I have a sense that people just didn’t like the way it ended. Here Adam Sandler (in his best performance ever) essentially chooses his crazy wife (Tia Lioni) over the gorgeous and wholesomely exotic Latino governess (Paz Vega)…what?

There is such a tendency for art to accent either the miserable or the sublime. When it fails to do that we often walk away with our expectations unfulfilled. Yet that isn’t how real life works. When it comes to marriage the real life question isn’t what makes it wonderful or miserable, the real question is what makes it last?

The reality is that all marriages (with I’m sure rare exceptions) are fundamentally a mixed bag.  We are all individuals by definition and admittedly complex. We struggle just to understand ourselves. To join two such creatures together magnifies that complexity exponentially.  It is an honest observation to wonder how the legal and emotional bonding of a relationship lasts in the modern era, where marriage no longer equates with survival.

Over the last century or so continuing a marriage has evolved into a choice. Perhaps we shouldn’t be asking why there are so many divorces (currently 1 out of 2 in the US), rather we should ask why aren’t there more? I believe there are perfectly good reasons why so many marriages navigate the whitewater rapids they are continuously subjected to, and it has little to do with bliss.

I see the relationship of marriage as a stool with four sturdy legs. On top of that stool a married couple gently places warm, tender, and enriching experiences, and also dumps endless piles of garbage…such as poor communication, defensiveness, selfishness...and a whole lot of stupid. Needless to say, the pile gets taller and heavier with every year that passes, making it increasingly difficult to support let alone sort through the good stuff and the trash. Yet for half the couples it holds together, stays upright…doesn’t tip over. How so?

I think the four legs holding it stable are: 1) shared family, 2) shared history, 3) shared physical intimacy, and 4) shared future expectations.  Lose one leg and the stool dangerously teeters. Lose two and it’s Humpty Dumpty time.

Family comprises the relationships that surround each individual. Children and grandchildren are the most obvious, but it can include parents, siblings, or others in an extended family. It could also included adopted “family” like special friends. The key is that each individual shares the other individual’s family as their own. They don’t have to like them, just consider themselves as part of the entire tribe.

Shared history is the unique memories created together as a couple. It also includes those experiences in which our memories fail us but we still know exist. Building a family can be a big part of marriage history even if we struggle to remember the specifics. That leg can sometimes be the strongest early in a marriage, but it is also a continuous process. To the extent our life experiences stop being shared, running indefinitely parallel, it’s like introducing termites to gnaw until that leg fails.

It is reasonably arguable that human beings are not naturally monogamous. It is a choice we make that the need we all have for physical intimacy be inextricably linked with a single union. It is also often a choice not kept. Every ordinary person needs the physical contact of other human beings. To the extent it is missing their lives are challenged. Even if sex is no longer possible, shared physical contact is essential and restricting that within a marriage keeps that leg strong. It is the nucleus of love.

Shared future expectations are tricky. It is more than simply planning out the next cruise or beach vacation. It is more than going over budgets and job choices. It is sharing hope, personal philosophies, and aspirations. Try to imagine living with someone who knows nothing and wants to know nothing about how you see your life in the future. Maybe you don’t have to imagine.

These four legs hold up a marriage that at any given time doesn’t even have to be a happy marriage. In fact, there is no such thing as a happy marriage.  However, there is such a thing as a lasting marriage in which (to name a few) joy, pain, love, sorrow, passion, fear, and hope each take their turn on top of the pile, and almost magically none seem to be the last straw to overturn the stool.

Maybe Adam Sandler’s choice to stay with his neurotic wife, his loopy mother-in-law, and his often despondent daughter isn’t the one audiences wanted to see. However, perhaps it was the choice that better reflects the real world…a reality even better than the world presented on reality TV.