Marriage

With my son's engagement, it got me thinking about what makes a marriage (really a relationship) last.

I think a good marriage is built on a foundation of 3 ‘Cs’ – Commitment, Compromise, and Compassion…and probably in that order. I’m guessing being engaged has all the same factors, only instead of Commitment you have Commit without the (ce)ment.

I use the term foundation since the complexities of a relationship are so immense that to simplify the totality of a relationship is both futile and foolhardy. Therefore, you find simple axioms to act as a base on which one can deal with the minutia. If we accept that certain basic things remain constant, anchors if you will, we just might keep the boat from running adrift when the currents and individual waves begin splashing over the gunnels. Like all axioms these 3 ‘Cs’ are not subject to analysis, just as one keeps a faith. By agreeing to them, however, doesn’t mean they don’t require work, but it does mean they are not up for debate…they are not ‘gray’.

Commitment is the most important and most difficult. It is what takes you through the inevitable periods of questioning, second guessing, and (for lack of a better term) the bad times. Frankly, it is also relatively rare, but it is as necessary as yeast is to risen bread for those relationships that actually go the distance. Somewhere in the development of a relationship it must be overtly and clearly confessed to each other and then it requires periodic reinforcement, neither of which is easy to do. As difficult as it is, I feel one cannot over emphasize the importance of making the effort. The attempt, or lack thereof, will be as telling to the relationship as the Sun, or lack of it, is to vacation weather.

Compromise is the grease that allows the Commitment gears to mesh with less friction. Like Commitment, you enter into Compromise without analysis or other great truckloads of personal garbage. The point of compromise is the basic understanding that there can be no winner in a contest without a loser. Of course, I’m not talking about Scrabble or arm wrestling, but rather in the judgments we make in viewing the actions of someone else. What we compromise is our judgment itself. Outside a marriage to do so may be foolish or even dishonorable. However, in a marriage it is Romance without equal, because it accepts and confesses the understanding that there is someone in your life without which life would have little meaning. Like all Romances it is something to strive for, but unlike Commitment there can be real day to day evidence of the attempt. It is like money in the Bank. You may not know the balance of your account, but you’ll feel mighty rich with each deposit.

Compassion is the great reward. It should be obvious, but let me clarify anyway; Compassion is not the romance, sex, churning stomach, longing, or other treats of a new relationship. Compassion exists when you realize (not easily) that your lust for life is intrinsically bound with your chosen partner. It’s the source of such sappy (but meaningful) movie lines as “…you complete me”. It is different from simple passion because at its root it demands that it be a shared experience. But just like passion it provides the palette of colors we all search for, to paint our lives as we’d like to think they should look. Like Compromise, it should be communicated often and overtly, giving credit where credit is due. Compassion is what makes confessions like “I love you” have real meaning.

There it is, 3 'Cs'. How simpler could it be? Of course, that's like saying growing vegetables is just seed, dirt, and water. Think that and don't count on tomatoes in July.